Scary Thoughts, Big Feelings & the Bond With Your Baby: What New Mothers Need to Know
- Krystal
- Jun 9
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 18
Bringing home a baby is meant to be beautiful… and sometimes it is. But sometimes, it’s not.
Sometimes it’s messy, overwhelming, and terrifying.
Many mothers experience intrusive thoughts and intense emotional swings in the first year postpartum—especially when they’re exhausted, overstimulated, and under-supported.
If you’ve ever thought, “What’s wrong with me?” — you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
In this post, we’ll explore:
Why scary thoughts happen in early motherhood
What they don’t mean about you
How these thoughts can affect bonding
What helps you feel safer, steadier, and more connected to your baby
Gentle tools for building emotional resilience and secure attachment
What are Intrusive Thoughts
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, distressing thoughts or mental images that seem to come out of nowhere. They’re often about harm, danger, or doing something “bad” — and they can feel terrifying.
They may sound like:
“What if I drop the baby?”
“What if I snap and hurt someone?”
“What if something terrible happens to us?”
They are not signs that you’re a bad mother.
They are signs that your nervous system is overwhelmed and your mind is trying to anticipate threats to keep you and your baby safe.
Your Brain Is Trying to Protect You
During the postpartum period, your brain is literally rewiring to focus on your baby’s survival. So it makes sense that anything potentially dangerous—real or imagined—feels louder, scarier, and harder to ignore.
This heightened alertness is biologically normal. You’ve just been handed the most vulnerable human on earth and told to keep them alive. Of course your nervous system is on edge.
But when that stress response is constantly activated, it can lead to spiraling anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and emotional shutdown.
Having Scary Thoughts About Baby ≠ Wanting to Do Something Harmful
When a mother has a thought like “What if I drop the baby?” or even “What if I hurt the baby?” — it’s terrifying. But these scary thoughts about baby don’t mean you actually want to do harm.
In fact, they often come from the opposite place: your brain is so focused on keeping your baby safe that it starts scanning for every possible danger — including imagining the worst-case scenarios.
Your brain is doing what it’s wired to do under stress: anticipate threats so you can avoid them.
So a scary thought isn’t a reflection of your desires — it’s a reflection of your nervous system on high alert.
When a Scary Thought Feels Too Scary - Survival Mode and the Nervous System
Sometimes, a thought flashes through your mind and it terrifies you.
Maybe it’s a thought about hurting your baby—and the shame that follows can be crushing.
Please know: Having a scary thought is not the same as wanting to act on it.
This is your nervous system on high alert. You are not dangerous, you are overwhelmed. Your body feels under threat, and it’s sending distress signals.
A thought like “I want to throw the baby” can surface when:
You feel completely overwhelmed, trapped, or overstimulated
You’re sleep-deprived, hungry, or desperate for quiet
Your body is screaming: “This needs to stop! Something has to change.”
It doesn’t mean you’re unsafe.
It means your nervous system has entered survival mode — fight, flight, freeze, or fawn — and it’s sounding the alarm.
Your brain isn’t trying to harm your baby. It’s trying to protect you.
What to do: Put your baby in a safe place—like their crib or a playmat. Take a few steps away. And give yourself a moment to regulate.
Try:
Deep, steady breaths (inhale 4, exhale 6)
A sip of cool water
Splashing water on your face or wrists
Shaking your arms, legs, or whole body to release tension
These small actions send a powerful message to your brain:
“I’m not in danger. I can come back to calm.”
If these thoughts continue or feel too big to manage alone, reaching out to a professional is an act of strength, not shame. There is support. You are not alone.
Why No One Talks About This
Many mothers feel too ashamed to say these thoughts out loud — and that silence makes it all feel even scarier. But research shows intrusive thoughts are common in the first year postpartum.
You’re not alone. You’re not dangerous.
You’re likely exhausted, dysregulated, and overextended.
And while some scary thoughts are linked to postpartum anxiety or OCD, many arise simply because you’re on high alert all the time.
The more we understand this, the less shame we carry — and the more we’re able to soothe ourselves and feel safe in our role again.
A Personal Note
I was lucky. I heard about intrusive thoughts in a free antenatal class — and that simple piece of information made all the difference.
When a thought hit me at 3am, while it initially shocked and terrified me, I didn’t spiral into shame. Deep in the recesses of my very tired brain I thankfully remembered:
“This is a stress response. I’m not a bad mother. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.”
I want every new mama to have that kind of heads-up. So if you do have a scary thought, you'll know you're not alone, you're not a bad mother and you can meet yourself with compassion.
Because when we understand what’s happening inside us, we can respond with care — not fear.
Scary Thoughts Postpartum Can Interfere With Bonding — But You Can Repair
It’s hard to bond when your body is flooded with fear, cortisol, or shame.
Many mothers worry that if they don’t feel “in love” with their baby right away, they’re failing. But bonding is not a magical moment — it’s a process. One built through presence, care, and repair.
Scary thoughts can disrupt that process…But they don’t have to define it.
What helps:
Caring for yourself, not just your baby
Regulating your own nervous system
Understanding the science of attachment
Having words for what you’re feeling
Feeling less alone
What Helps You Helps Your Baby
Your emotional wellbeing matters — deeply.
Your baby’s developing nervous system is learning from yours.
This is called co-regulation: your breath, your tone, your touch — they all teach your baby what safety feels like.
When you soothe yourself, you also soothe them.
Even when things go off the rails.
Especially when you come back and repair.
You don’t need hours of uninterrupted time to care for yourself.
Small moments of self-compassion and gentle self-care — even just 5 minutes at a time throughout the day — can:
Support your emotional wellbeing
Increase your ability to cope
Boost your confidence as a parent
Help reduce overwhelm
You matter.
Not just for your baby, but for you.
Final Words
If you’ve had a scary thought, felt disconnected from your baby, or doubted your ability to cope — you are not failing.
You are adjusting. You are adapting.
And you deserve the kind of care you’re working so hard to give.
And if scary thoughts feel persistent, intense, or hard to shake — please don’t suffer in silence. Talking to a trusted health professional can offer real relief. You deserve support, and help is available.
Scary thoughts are more common than you think.
Supporting you is how we support your baby.
Let’s start there.
Want Tools to Help You Feel More Grounded and Connected?
If this post resonates with you, you might find comfort and support in these gentle digital kits to
prepare yourself for motherhood while still pregnant or
support yourself during your first year of motherhood
Helps you understand what you’re feeling, meet yourself with more compassion, build in more self-care and learn tools to support your emotional wellbeing during the first year of motherhood, so that you can be the mama you want to be, for you, your baby and your whole family unit.
Supports you in learning and being responsive to your baby's needs, building a secure attachment to set them up to thrive, learning how bonding really works, and gently building confidence in your connection — even if you’re starting from scratch— so that your baby feels emotionally supported from the start and you feel confident as their mama.
These are soft spaces to land, with no pressure to be perfect — just gentle support for real-life motherhood.
Other articles on the topic of intrusive thoughts https://www.thecut.com/2018/12/how-new-moms-cope-with-postpartum-ocd-and-intrusive-thoughts.html
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